Welcome, you will find a detailed donor’s prospectus in front of you as you take your seat at the table. In the next few minutes I will give you the highlights of my plans to reward my investor-donors. By way of comparison, imagine a Banker who invests in an IPO whose stock splits 6 times and runs his stake from $1 million to $64 million in just 4 years. But if he had invested a million dollars early on in my campaign, I could guarantee him a $100 million return. Of course that IPO stock is a scam and will have to be unloaded onto the suckers before the bubble bursts. My donors will be renting the government from me so there is no possibility of a loss unless freedom and democracy breaks out.
(The audience laughs.)
Early investors will enable me to go to the 50 state parties and pay them to rig the primaries and to buy the Super Delegates I need to make my nomination inevitable.
We have the ability to knock millions of voters off their party registration so they cannot vote in the primaries. They will have the right to vote on a provisional ballot which we will refuse to count. We won’t let those rabble rousers who want to defend the working class from those born to rule over them to actually select the next President of the United States.
Our corporate sponsors own the media so we have the right to issue fake polls giving me a ten point lead which can close to a tight race on election day. But we count the vote so the odds of me losing this election are minimal.
And if, we do lose the election, those above me always have their assassination backup plans. I assume you all know David Rothkopf. He used to be the CEO of Kissinger Associates. He wrote Superclass in which he made the obvious point that the world is run by 30 Families and their 6,000 Minions. We are all Minions and I am offering to lease the government to you. If the people rebel and vote for a candidate not approved by the ruling Families, that man will die.
The next administration will be required to issue Get Out Of Jail Free cards to everyone on Wall Street. That means you will have a license to rob the common people so you are guaranteed a return on the money you donated to me no matter who wins in November. Any President who tries to arrest Bankers will be terminated.
Does anyone have any questions?
A: I am worried that this Depression will get really bad sooner rather than later. What is your thinking about a market crash and the death of the dollar?
A: The Fail Safe position is that in case of a Depression we will have a cashless society in which Banks and the government can take money from depositors anytime we fall short. As always, “the voters will have to make do with less so we can have more.”
Q: Do you think your opponent will be assassinated before the election or afterwards?
A: I am not allowed in on that level of planning as I am a mere candidate but I know the people I have served all my life. I am thinking they would do it after the elections to minimize anger amongst the voting populace. We have holidays from Thanksgiving to Christmas and New Years plus lots of sporting events to distract the people if it should come to that. Personally, I put my faith in Diebold voting machines. If it weren’t for them and the tragic death of my senatorial opponent 16 years ago, I would not be running for President today.
Q: Will there be a war?
A: We have a need for wars?
Q: I meant will you be launching World War III next year?
A: I can’t answer that. If I do become President, I will do the bidding of those who own the government. I am just renting out the US military, the courts, the FBI, the Justice Department the State Department, the FDA, the USDA, the FCC and other institutions to my donors. The decision to kill a few billion people belongs to those who own the government and not to us. Any more questions?
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