December 9, 2013Pope Thinking of Losing HatPosted by ANDY BOROWITZVATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest break with Catholic orthodoxy, Pope Francis said today that he was “seriously considering losing the hat,” the tall ceremonial mitre that has long been a signature of papal dress.“I know I’m going to catch hell for saying this, but it looks kind of dumb,” he said. “Besides, you expect me to believe God really cares if I wear a big pointy hat or not? Come on.”The Pontiff said that he would probably “try out some different looks, like a baseball cap or something” over the next few weeks, “just to see what happens.”“If a lightning bolt comes out of the sky and cracks St. Peter’s in two, then I guess we’ll know it was a bad idea,” he chuckled.
Boy, this new pope they've got over in the Vatican, is he on fire or what? Everybody's trying to figure out who's doing his PR, but the secret is being guarded more closely than the pontiff's personal recipe for chocolate-chip cookies. One popular theory has it that Pope Francis's people, in a startling coup, hired away the guy who was not, repeat not, hired by the non-existent Christie for President Committee. One New Jersey Republican source claims to have "almost-first-hand knowledge" that the governor is seething over the snatch job. "The way I heard it," he or she said, "when Jersey Fats heard the news, he had a cow -- and a mean a full-size one."Many of those same sources are hypothesizing that it's no accident the pope's attention has suddenly turned to hats. According to another source, "His Holiness is keeping a close eye on the emerging field for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. I'm hearing that the key question in his thinking is a decision by former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush." Asked if he wasn't concerned about the sizzling popularity of Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, especially with Catholic voters, the pope is said to have burst out laughing and said, "That tiddlywink? He's just waiting for an offer either to do gay porn or play the lead in a slasher pic."#
