Washington—Republicans accused Fox News of biased reporting in favor of conservatives on Wednesday, outraging a horde of angry Fox supporters.
Fox defenders, including the President, Koch Enterprises, Wall Street, and the nation’s largest banks, denied the accusations before the Department of Education’s hearing on re-segregating the nation’s schools.
Ted Cruise, a self-appointed Texas “pillar of morality,” accused Republicans of pandering to liberals who seek to end the influence of news that provides them with enemies. Such distortion, Cruise said, would “lead to people seeking the truth instead of relying on their own emotions.”
Despite polls that reveal Fox News watchers know less about world political events than those who receive no news at all, Fox remains America’s favorite cable news channel. In addition to news, Fox advertisers offer watchers drugs to lose weight, drugs to sleep, and drugs to improve body defects.
“Let’s face it—Americans love Fox News,” said Georgie P. Echochamber, an under-under-secretary for an un-named White House spokesman. “We love snake oil, pulpit pounding revivalist preachers, and truth-defying politicians.”
Genny Craige, a major investor in Fox News, said, “Fox helps millions of over-weight, lonely, bitter, resentful beer drinkers raise their blood pressure by twitching in their recliners to get their blood pumping. Without Fox News, many of them would be totally inactive, and would soon die of heart attacks.”
Conservative seniors were also angered. At an average age of 68, Fox viewers include a solid majority who want things to return to the halcyon days of Calvin Coolidge. Perhaps the president understands these viewers better than anyone else.
“I love Fox News,” said the President. “I’ve modified my schedule so I can spend more time watching Fox and understanding world events. Once I Twitter my comments the public is easily distracted. How else could I keep things running so smoothly? Fox helps me consolidate my thoughts while covering up the growing control of businesses and billionaires. I am the greatest and they love me the most.”
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