No sooner do we finish rerunning Noah's 2012 "Year in Review" series than he's ready, having apparently chained himself to his computer, to tackle 2013! Herewith the initial installment. -- Ed.Carnival's "Cruise to the 13th century": As the cruise ship Carnival Triumph drifts helplessly, its engines kaput, in the vicinity of Mexico's Yucatán peninsula on February 11, this boat dispatched by the Coast Guard cutter Vigorous keeps an eye out.by Noah
Janitor of lunacyParalyze my infancyPetrify the empty cradleBring hope to them and meJanitor of tyrannyTestify my vanityMortalize my memoryDeceive the devil's deedTolerate my jealousyRecognize the desperate needJanitor of lunacyIdentify my destinyRevive the living dreamForgive their begging screamSeal the giving of their seedDisease the breathing grief-- Christa Päffgen (aka Nico, 1938-1988)
By the time I was 18, I had come to the realization that God, if he, she, or it existed, was really just the Royal Galactic Emperor of Practical Jokes, a being who had set things in motion from which there is only a slim chance of recovery. The obstacles to that recovery? Our fellow humankind. I had also decided that if God created man in his image, then we were truly screwed, big-time. Perhaps God saw his creation in action for a while, shrugged, gave up, and left the building. Last year I wrote up the year as a series of what I called "Idiocracy Moments," making liberal use of Mike Judge's fine Idiocracy movie as context for what I see in everyday life. [See this year's "redux" of all five parts, beginning here. -- Ed.] Well, surprise, surprise, what I saw in 2013 wasn't any better. Mankind bathes itself in stupidity, illogic, and suicidal tendencies. Is this the end of the road? Are we doomed to just run headfirst, splat!, into a spiked wall? Ladies and gents, I present the evidence! Since this forum is DownWithTyranny, I feel compelled to start with some observations about Republicans. Hey, it's part of what we do!First off: some Republican contradictions that deal with survival while revealing the chaos of the Republican mind
Republicans don't like budgeting money for emergency relief, but they sure do squeal when there is, say, a tornado in their own personal back yard.
1. Republicans want a bigger army, but at the same time they want the right to own more and more guns and even bigger state militias ("Idaho Lawmaker Wants To Draft All Adults Into Militias") to defend themselves from that army. This doesn't just include handguns or fully automatic rifles, it includes things that can stop a tank and bring down aircraft -- oh, and deer too.2. Republicans want to put all terrorist suspects on a "no fly" watch list ,but to be able to sell them all the guns they want without anything that smacks of a background check, thus giving us the right to die with our feet on the ground. Now, that's freedom, with a capital F. And, of course, there's the issue of just who is a terrorist suspect? I mean, where does one draw the line? Skin tone? Facial hair? Nationality? Religion? Name that ends in a vowel? Books read? Groceries purchased? Contraception? Drive a foreign car? No Christmas tree? Life gets complicated when you're a Republican.3. Republicans don't want taxes, hate FEMA, and want immediate help when the tornado hits but won't approve the needed emergency budgets -- unless, of course, the storm hits their state. This cuts right to the inherent selfishness of being a Republican in the first place. What should we expect from a party that boasts "libertarian" principles? Others must "pull themselves up with their own bootstraps," not us. No, not us. We're special, exceptional!Now, one of my favorite stories of 2013: Carnival's cruise to the 13th century!
This lucky lady, Lisa Williams of Houston, brought suit against Carnival Cruise Lines for "damages in excess of $75,000" for the, er, not-quite-a-carnival she had aboard the Carnival Triumph in February. “She had gone to have a relaxing couple of days," said her attorney, Spencer Aronfeld, "and it turned into torture."
Do you miss those days when humankind just tossed its human waste out the window and into the street? Do you miss those days when there was always a good chance at coming down with cholera or bubonic plague right in your own neighborhood? If so, then for a mere $600 or so, Carnival will punch your ticket to their own floating theme park of Hell on Waves.Diesel engines almost never blow, but this one did. After being trapped, drifting for days and days that must have seemed like months and months in a nightmare of medieval on-deck rivers of shit, and no water to drink or water to shower with, etc., all the while surrounded by a polluted ocean, the Carnival Cruise Lines ship ironically named Carnival Triumph found a way to get its cruise suckers back to land in, of all places, Mobile, Alabama! Now that's lunacy! That's one hell of a vacation!Showing maximum caring and sensitivity, Carnival then decided to make up for the duress by offering its victims the staggering sum of $500, and -- wait for it -- tickets for a future cruise! Yeah, I'd sure want to get right back on the boat to Hell. (Even before this marvelous party on the high seas, I never understood why someone would actually pay money to board one of these floating vomitoriums. Okay, sometimes it's just dysentery.) The "gift" came only if you agreed never to sue Carnival. Carnival then put its victims on a bus that broke down. Then they got their victims, er, customers, a plane that had electrical problems and delayed the victims' flight to Houston. Houston? Mobile? I guess the victims should feel fortunate that Carnival didn't put them on a plane to a fabulous vacation in Chernobyl! I imagine that if Carnival were owned by some Japanese company, the directors would have done the honorable thing and disemboweled themselves with hari kari blades. The punishment would have carried some measure of poetic justice with it.At least one of Carnival's victims wasn't buying into the quick $500 payoff. Lisa Williams, 42, of Houston, had to be hospitalized twice for dehydration complications due to being in the tropical heat with no water to drink for days. She wants 150 times that $500. Personally, I'd be going for $750,000,000 not $75,000.I can't wait for that guy who did the Titanic movie, James Cameron, to take on this one. I'll especially enjoy the scene where Leonardo DiCaprio takes all of the passengers to the bow of the ship so they can breathe some air that isn't reeking. Just remember, if you do go on a Carnival cruise, pack some hip waders. They'll come in handy, but be careful, you might drown if your ship tips over in the Mediterranean and water or sewage fills your boots. Yeah, that was a different ship and a company (the Costa Concordia, back in January 2012), but does it really matter?Meanwhile, back in Repugland --Kudos to the great state (not) of Mississippi. Yeah, I know, easy target, but what did they do this time? Well, it seems they did something very commendable this year. In February, they finally banned slavery! That's right, slavery has been legal in Mississippi all this time! I guess they were just keeping it on the books in hopes of it making a big comeback. This is the state that wanted to put Nathan Bedford Forrest, a founder of the KKK, on its license plates just a few years ago. I'm forced to assume that Mississippi has never considered itself part of these United States. No surprise there. Why would I say that? How about because the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution banned slavery 148 years ago. To be fair, though, and I'm always fair; Mississippi actually got around to banning slavery long, long ago, back in 1995. No, not 1895. 1995! See? They were only 130 years behind. It just took them a bit of time to make it all nice and official-like. Meanwhile, the 20th century came and went.The first Janitor of Lunacy "Quote of the Year" nomineeI wish to close Part 1 of "A Prayer to the Janitor of Lunacy" by nominating none other than Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan. Did he have those eyes on the day he was born? Was his mother named Rosemary? No baby should be tossed into a trash can, but of all the babies not to be tossed into a trash can --
"We are not going to give up on destroying the health care system for the American people."
Did Crazy Eyes misspeak? Is this really what he meant to say? Or is it not what he meant to say but just a little Freudian slip? A glimpse into the inner mind of a Repug?People vote for this man. People who walk among us disguised as normal people. Many in the media just adore this classless pathological lying assclown ( "Veteran's Facebook post to Paul Ryan goes viral"). This man was nominated to be vice president of the United States of America! A heartbeat away! Lunacy? You betcha! Still not convinced? Here's a quote from recording artist and newly minted Christonut Michelle Shocked, spewing out her religion's message of hate. Who needs Muslim extremists when we have our own religious nutters right here, often saying much the same things?
"When they stop Prop 8 and force priests to marry gays, it will be the downfall of civilization, and Jesus will come back."
Well, all righty then! I thank you for the heads-up, Michelle! May I introduce you to the Duck Dynasty clan, or perhaps just Mitt Romney? Certainly the Janitor of Lunacy has quite a sense of humor.
NOAH'S 2013 IN REVIEW --A PRAYER TO THE JANITOR OF LUNACY*Part 1: Take a bow, Repugs! (*including Nico's "Janitor of Lunacy") [Monday]Part 2: Remember when Reagan cut funds for insane asylums? (Storms, guns, bombs, free stuff, and the secret gay life of Obma: Some top Republican lies of 2013) [Tuesday]Part 3: No Cruz control (Rafael "Ted" Cruz in his own words) [Wednesday]Part 4: A great anniversary approaches! (plus more "Quote of the Year nominees") [Thursday]Part 5: Everyone's a critic, including me -- Some people really try my patience (Bill-O, Howie Kurtz, E. W. Jackson, et al.) [Friday]Part 6 (and last): In the words of Dan Quayle, "What a waste it is to lose one's mind" (Exploiting tragedy for a buck; Miss America's not American?; "Quote of the Year" winner) [Saturday]And don't forget Noah's recent --"Need a last-minute Christmas gift suggestion?" [12/22]"50 Years Ago Today: The Beatles" [12/26]"A Tale of Two Popes -- the one in the Vatican and the one in North Carolina" [12/27]
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