by Noah"Imagine a world where" this milk carton really did appear on the shelves of America's grocery stores. "Imagine a world where" Melania Trump had not finally broken her silence about her whereabouts after not being seen or heard from for 22 days. The events described below never actually happened... or did they?So where is Melania? Three weeks ago, her fake president husband's very fine staff were saying she was in the hospital. We didn't hear much detail about why, of course, which is totally normal; something to do with a benign kidney thing. We all like our privacy, but then Mr. Orange Spray Tan (rhymes with...) tweeted about his wife "Melanie." Who's Melanie? What's happened to Melania. Is there a new wife? A second current wife? Has the First Lady been "disappeared" under George H.W. Bush's direction like some 1970s Chilean?Rumors abound! Conspiracy factories are working overtime (for minimal pay). "Lots of people are saying" it was not a kidney thing at all but a facelift. C'mon, it's not like she was in need of one, although I did used to know someone in L.A. who seemed to be addicted to "getting some work done". Every time I saw her, she looked worse. Sad, really. She went from cute and perfectly normal to freakish in seemingly no time. Say what you will about Melania, I can't imagine her going that route. Of course, I can imagine Mr. Orangutang commenting about his First Lady facelift like he did with Megyn Kelly, but he didn't this time, at least not publicly.So what is it? I'm reminded of the plot of the late 1960s best seller The President's Plane Is Missing. You can google the plot but it centers around the president not having been seen for a bit and a complete wanker of a VP, who urged on by an ambitious wife, is determined to assume the presidency. Well, at the last possible moment of this page burner, it is revealed that the president was hidden away at Camp David, engaged in super-triple-secret talks with Russia. So, is that it? Is Melania engaged in super-secret talks with Putin? Maybe, North Korea? Or... Argentina? Yeah, I doubt this is the case, although I expect that she would do a better job than Donnie Short Hands. "Lots of people are saying."That leaves me wondering that maybe she's finally had enough, packed her bags, and moved out to live in an undisclosed location, "Lots of people are saying." Hell, maybe President Tantrum beat her up. It does take time for bruises to heal.Still, though, as of this writing, Melania hasn't been actually seen out in public. All we got was a tweet from her twitter account. Anyone, even semi-literate Sarah Huckabee Sanders could have done that. Give us a sign Melania. Show us you're OK. Perhaps a wisp of white smoke from the White House chimney? Oh wait, anybody on the staff could do that one too. Besides, smoke coming out of a White House chimney would be more likely to be from burning Putin's "wish list" documents.Damn, until we see Melania out in public again, we will just have to wonder. You know how nature abhors a vacuum? Well, until Melania shows her face, rumors will, as I say, abound. Meanwhile, we hope she is OK. And, if Robert Mueller has put her into some sort of witness protection, I'm fine with that. Very fine.Epilogue: You know, about that tweet; she said she was working on "behalf of children." Is that just a bit of PR fictitious ploy designed to make us think that the White House actually cares about children in this country? Really? Coulda fooled me!
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