Borowitz

"Isn't this political ad wonderfully false and misleading?"" 'I really think it's time for a change,' said Carol Foyler, a memory-loss sufferer who cast her vote this morning in Iowa City. 'I just feel in my gut that if these people were in charge they'd do a really amazing job with the economy.' "Harland Dorrinson, who voted in Akron, Ohio, and who has no memory of anything that happened before 2013, said his main concern was a terrorist attack on American soil.

"This is the worst coverage of a religious story I have seen to date."-- Father Jonathan Morris, in "What Pope Francis reallysaid about gays -- and no, it's not new," on foxnews.com"I wasn't great at judging homosexuals my first year in the job, either.