Andy Borowitz

Oh Tom, Tom, Tom! You stood there at that January 2015 news conference, looking pretty as a picture, and just fibbed your pretty head off."We found these claims not plausible and contradicted by other evidence."-- the Wells report, on Tom Brady's claims of Deflategate ignoranceby KenSince we had our share of fun with the Deflategate story when it broke, it only seems fair to pick up the story now that an NFL investigating commission has brought forth its report.

"Everywhere I go," says Minister Mike, "people tell me they hope I run." Like this guy? Has the Hucksterbee perhaps been spending too much time on the "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" circuit?by KenYesterday former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee announced that he will announce his decision whether to run for president in 2016 on May 5.

Who gave Ted the pencil?Could the person who gave half-witted anchorman Ted Baxter the pencil be the same person who gave half-witted Arkansas freshman Sen.

Plus "TV Watch" note (see below)No, I'm not going to give you a playable clip. If you really want to watch it, you can find it for yourself.

Plus: Borowitz Report -- Americans are, er, inspiredA star is born? As you read this, Iowa's plucky farmgirl may already be the new Booby Jindal!"People only remember the response to the State of the Union when it goes badly.

"How bad can they [the Koch Brothers] be?" Jon asks. "I mean, if they were evil, would a baby agree to appear in one of their advertisements?""Now that we know the Koch Brothers are pouring an unending waterfall of money through a cleverly masked network of unaccountable organizations to peddle electoral influence, the ad sounds less inspiring."-- Jon Stewart, in the above report, responding toa Koch Industries ad placed on The Daily Show"The poll . . .

Today's "Daily Cartoon," by David Sipress,from NewYorker.com"Remember -- talk about how the Presidenthas done a fantastic job with the economy, but whatever you do don't mention the President."“A man in Oklahoma was exposed to Elisabeth Hasselbeck on Fox for over three minutes.

"Much like the long-running national debates about jumping off a roof, licking electrical sockets, and gargling with thumbtacks, the vexing question of whether children should fire military weapons does not appear headed for a swift resolution.

Justice Sammy the Hammer was wielding his Sledgehammer of Doom at the Supreme Court today.by KenClearly the Cro-Magnon wing of the Roberts Court has developed a vestigial sense of shame. The two bombshell decisions saved for the final day of the Supreme Court term today (which Howie wrote about in his 2pm PT post) weren't bombshells in the sense of surprise.

The House Republican Menagerie gathered behind closed doors today and apparently with a bare minimum of opposition chose Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy to be the new majority leader, their No. 2 guy to Speaker "Sunny John" Boehner, then chose LA Rep.