Andy Paley is a very old friend, a singer, songwriter and producer who has worked with Madonna, Brian Wilson, kd lang, John Wesley Harding, Jerry Lee Lewis, NRBQ, SpongeBob, Jonathan Richman, Elton John, Brenda Lee, Chris Isaak, the Mighty Lemon Drops, Nasa and... the Foremen:Anyway, Andy wrote a song the other day and asked me if I could get it to anyone who sounds like Trump and could sing. I suggested Alec Baldwin, and Andy said he's the absolute best person in the world, but... how? Well, he and I are both on the board of People for the American Way. I suggested Andy give me a tape and I would send it to him. Instead, Andy decided to put the song into some context. SO he wrote a scene for Saturday Night Live that included Baldwin singing the song. This is what Andy wrote... in like two hours!SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE OPEN...Alec Baldwin as TrumpVTR: DONALD TRUMP is at the podium, making a speech at a MAGA rally.TRUMP ... Fake news, fake books-- these are disgusting people. I’ve done an A+ job. It’s incredible. How can you impeach somebody who’s done such a great job? If I ever get impeached the country, the market would crash. They can go ahead and try. If I ever get impeached the country will go broke. If I ever get impeached there will be rioting.If I ever get impeached... (REPEATING ECHO)If I ever get IMPEACHED....IMPEACHED...IMPEACHED...The camera zooms in as he lapses into a dream.TRUMP V.O.(with repeating echo)Impeached.....getting impeached might not be so bad....yeah ....why not?.....impeached.....impeached .....As the room starts SPINNING like the tornado scene in The Wizard Of Oz, we SMASH CUT TO:LIVE on the stage. The podium has come to rest in a shambles. As the smoke clears, Trump emerges, straightening his tie and brushing off dust. Band kicks into... IF I EVER GOT IMPEACHED To the tune of “If I Only Had A Brain”I’d order-out from Spago Fly Stormy to Mar-A-Lago And bang her on the beach I’d get back to colludin' With some ho’s supplied by PutinIf I ever got impeached Oh there’d be some celebratin’But Pence would be there waitin’To step into the breech So what, I’m not a keeper The swamp’ll just get deeper If I ever got impeachedYes, the Dems would put the steaks onBut then they’d slam the brakes onWith a great big screech Oh, they’d quit their High-Fivin’All their shuckin’ and their jivin’If I ever got impeachedThey’d wish they’d never dissed meAnd find out how much they’d miss meAnd my nightly tweets I’d moon the whole damn senate Hang and bang with Tony Bennett If I ever got impeached......(suddenly the REAL Tony Bennett appears....huge applause....he signals the band to stop playing)TONY Hey! Stop the music! Whoa! Whoa! Hey Don-Don, why am I in this stupid fantasy-song of yours???!!!!TRUMP (shrugs) Hey, c’mon Tony, your name rhymes with “senate” OK?!!? TONY walks away shaking his head in disgust.TRUMP (counts band in) 1,2,3,4 take it to the bridge boys!(bridge) Oh I Could be that guyI’d cry And wave good-byeI’d lie and lie and lieSay “Fuck The F.B.I.!”I’ve heard that it’s essentialActing presidential So I’d give the greatest speech The witch hunt would be overI’d be rollin’ in some cloverIf i ever got impeached And as I got to goin’ I’d flip the bird to Cohen That lousy, loser leech Then I’d go out and get wired When they finally say “You’re fired!”If I ever got impeached(2nd bridge)Fake news Would be a boreOne bigCollective snoreIf youGet rid of TrumpWatch the ratingsTake a dump!And before I say “That’s all folks!”So sorry ‘bout the wall folks! It was just out of my reach I could finally stop pretending There’d be such a “happy ending”If I ever got impeachedThey’d stop investigatin’And I’d go back to datin’Any skank within my reachTo Melania I’d say “See ya!”Fly her coach to North KoreaIf I ever got impeachedTo prove I’m not a wussy I’d grab Hope Hick’s pussy And peel that fuzzy peach Take a lucky pageant winner Out for golden showers and dinnerIf I ever got impeached THE END By Yip Harburg, Harold Arlen & Andy PaleyThat's All Folks by Tim Atseff
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