Having exhausted all diplomatic avenues, a Texas boy last week contracted Blackwater to carry out pre-emptive security services on his 89 year old grandmother, who had recently arrived from the old country to live with the family. The security services provider, formerly known as Xe Services and Academi is again known as Blackwater, as with the passage of time it is now viewed fondly for its services to our homeland.
A hair-trigger imbroglio between the adorable little nipper and the suspicious, babushka’d elder began when in defiance of house protocol and using recipes she may have concealed in her underwear, she concocted nasty vegetable tarts in the family’s kitchen, and attempted by psychological coercion to arrange for the boy to consume them. As the spunky tyke stated in his authorization to Blackwater, “In this country we staunchly respect the sanctity of life, the will of God, the purity of an all-sugar diet, and the right to vigorously defend ourselves from those who would assail our liberty and force their religious or dietary hegemony upon our families, communities, or clubs.”
After a stern warning from the patriotic young scholar that his alien grandmother was henceforward “enjoined from the creation, development, or manufacture of vegetable tarts… or the appearance thereof,” the wizened crone was observed at the grocery store by junior associates of the boy purchasing not only broccoli, but other ingredients such as flour and mushrooms, that are central to the production of the noxious tarts. After enhanced interrogation of his tiny underlings led to unassailable confirmation of the purchases, the boy went out into his yard and drew a clear line in the sand.
As the testy shaver was out drawing that stern line, by happy coincidence one of the leaders of Blackwater’s Proactive Tactical Homeland Security Unit was at the same time engaged in the construction of a machine gun nest for the family’s safety adjacent to the boy’s swing set. Sensing the need for immediate action, the Blackwater representative—who like the 7-year-old, is protected for national security reasons from identification and the consequences of his actions—had his legal team send over a contract stat.
The tactical plan was engaged early the following morning, when a team of ex-Navy Seals, or people who may have seen photos of ex-Navy Seals, surrounded the house and liquidated it with a patriotic barrage of semi-automatic arms fire, RPGs, and a cruise missile from Wal-Mart.
In a tragic coda, two squadron heroes paid the ultimate sacrifice when they approached the house to investigate suspiciously delicious aromas emanating from an open window and were neutralized by other team members rushing to the scene from a nearby kegger. An unconfirmed number of confirmed enemy combatants, including the family dog who had been corrupted with treats from the enemy, were also eliminated.
At a news ceremony to celebrate the victory and honor the participants, a reporter asked whether the purchases of flour, broccoli, and mushrooms could really be seen as a “smoking gun.” “Might not those ingredients have been used for less lethal purposes than the manufacture of tarts?” In response, the freckled hero faced the cameras with a look of knowing resolve well beyond his years and put to rest any doubts that the mission was fully justified:
“I didn’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom tart.”
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