2016 In Review: America Off The Rails, Part 11(With UPDATE to the Update: Breaking newsfrom The Borowitz Report -- see below)Who says there won't be big stars at the Trump Inauguration? Why, the B Street Band will be there -- does it get bigger than that?
UPDATE: It turns out there won't be any B Street Band at the festivities after all -- they've pulled out! See Noah's January 18 post, "Comrade Trump: Inauguration Fiasco 2016! The Latest Inauguration News!"
by NoahAs soon as Comrade Trumpinsky won the 2016 election, speculation began as to who or what would be performing at the January 20 Inauguration ceremonies. Surely, the A-listers would come begging His Not So Excellency for a spot on the stage and a chance to wow the zombies, white supremacists, Russian diplomats, and fascist oligarchs, wouldn't they?His Not So Excellency dreamed of basking in the golden glow of A-lister love: Elton John, Garth Brooks, the Beach Boys. Maybe his buddy Chris Christie could land Bruce Springsteen! Well, only if people would stop calling Springsteen "The Boss," because, you know, there can only be one boss.Trumpie dreamed of matching President Obama's cavalcade of stars, which included Springsteen, Beyoncé, Stevie Wonder, and James Taylor, and that was just for starters. Pete Seeger was 89 when he and Bruce Springsteen roused the crowd with "This Land Is Your Land" at the 2009 "We Are One" Obama Inaugural Concert. Pete died in 2014. The Boss won't be at the Trump Inaugural either.That, folks, was never going to happen; not after His Not So Excellency made it clear where he stands on humanity itself.Back on December 29, I posted about the troubles the President-elect's transition committee was having finding people who wanted to support the various manifestations of hate and treason being exhibited by the new President and his Republican Party. Elton turned him down. So did Garth. Springsteen? Not a chance. Andrea Bocelli? Uh, no. The Radio City Rockettes? It turns out some have decided to perform and some have not. So far, there is no word as to whether the new President will try to get into their dressing room. They may be a little older than what he likes anyway.SO WHO'S IN?Yeah, Ted Nugent'll be on hand -- guns a-blazing?Well, I know that as soon as those "golden showers" stories started circulating, some people thought R. Kelly might get an invite. (You can look it up yourself. If you're inclined, you could google R. Kelly Chappelle and go from there. Just don't say I didn't warn ya.) But if he did, we'll never know now. Maybe when Trumpinsky had Kanye West over to his golden palace of greed, he had him confused with R. Kelly. Anyway, as the saying goes, "What goes on in Trump Tower stays in Trump Tower." Why else would he refuse the Secret Service guards and replace them with his own private security force?3 Doors Down will be strutting their brand of, er, "alternative" rock.As I write this, it looks like, as I said, some of the aforementioned Rockettes (hopefully more than two, since it just wouldn't look all that swell), Ted Nugent (presumably invited because he has called for the killing of Democratic leaders), Kid Rock, Toby Keith, Lee Greenwood, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (also minus a few members), a rock band named 3 Doors Down, who call themselves alternative rock, although alternative to what is hard to discern by listening to their paint-by-numbers Muzak. You can be forgiven if this list reads to you like something from a planet that's stuck in a 1959 time warp. Look at it this way: At least Trumpinsky didn't have to ask his friend Putin to send over some Russian dancing bears.Best of all -- and believe it, this is real, I am not putting you on -- since they couldn't get Springsteen, the Trumpies got a Springsteen "tribute" band called the B Street Band. As Mr. DT himself would say: Sad, losers! The mind boggles. I wonder if they think that 3 Doors Down is a Doors "tribute" band.Oh, and I forgot to mention 16-year-old former America's Got Talent runner-up Jackie Evancho. She, unlike most of the performers mentioned in the previous paragraph, actually does sell records, lots of ‘em; DVDs too. She's no has-been. She's current. Sez Evancho, "I hope to just kind of make everyone forget about rivals and politics for a second and just think about America and the pretty song that I'm singing."Ah, the naïveté of youth! Good luck with that, Jackie! You see, the reason so many other stars are not performing is that they are thinking about America.In keeping with what the new President is all about, this whole thing gets plenty creepy, too. Golden-boy financial whiz Tom Barrack, who is chairing the entertainment committee, is describing his event as having "soft sensuality" rather than stars. I'm not sure if by "soft sensuality" he means Ted Nugent or Jackie Evancho. I'd rather not know.Yessir, that's entertainment!UPDATE: BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORTThis just in from newyorker.com --
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- Donald J. Trump’s plans for a triumphal Inauguration were upended over the weekend when a karaoke machine that had been engaged to perform at the event abruptly backed out.In an official statement, the karaoke machine said that it was withdrawing because it “did not want my participation at the Inauguration to in any way be construed as an endorsement of Donald Trump.”The President-elect wasted no time in lashing out at the karaoke machine, taking to Twitter in the early hours of the morning to call the entertainment device a “loser” and “sad.”But Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s adviser, attempted to minimize the machine’s departure in an appearance on Fox News. “Naturally, we’re disappointed in the karaoke machine’s decision, but we still have Jackie Evancho,” she said.
2016 IN REVIEW: AMERICA OFF THE RAILSHere it is, Noah's completed Year in Review for 2016:Part 1, "Profiles in Cowardice: The Electoral College" (12/23/2016)Part 2, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #1: Newt Gingrich" (12/27/2016)Part 3, "The Trumpf Inauguration Committee Finds The Perfect Inauguration Entertainment At Last!" (12/29/2016)Part 4, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #2: R-R-Reince Priebus" (1/2/2017)Part 5, "Comrade Trump: The World’s Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (1)" (1/4/2017)Part 6, "Comrade Trump: The World’s Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (2)" (1/5/2017)Part 7, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #3: Governors' Edition" (1/9/2017)Part 8, "Trump -- The Art And Acts Of The Emboldened: The Rise In Hate Crimes Under The Influence Of Comrade T" (1/10/2017)Part 9, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #4: It's A Sad Thing When Cousins Marry Edition" (1/11/2017)Part 10, "Republican Person Of The Year Nominee #5 -- And Winner!" (1/12/2017)Part 11, "Comrade Trump: Inauguration Entertainment Update!" (1/15/2017)Part 12, "A DWT Exclusive: We Have The First Draft Of Comrade Trump's Inauguration Speech!" (1/16/2017)
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